September 9, 2010

breaking point

By fagankela in rants, surrender 1 Comment Tags: break, broken, fagankela, lose your life, prayer, shattered, Surrender

Growing up we all have our visions or dreams of grander..
It’s that daydream we had in math class, or that vision we saw laying in bed before drifting off to sleep. It’s the very thought that booted us out of bed, and carry us through out the day.

As children we can be so naive and clueless to the harshness of this world around us. Anything seems possible, and the limit of our future seems endless. However as time passes and reality sinks in, our dreams become more and more abstract… or so they seem.

In times of trouble or trial we cling to our dreams as a life raft. Knowing that by holding on to it the storm would pass, and that we’d still have hope regardless of the circumstance.

It was that dream that kept me afloat many years while living in the world. And as a “recommitted” Christian in my early 20’s… It was my bargaining chip.

“I will be sold out for you, IF you make this dream of mine reality”

It’s funny how we think we can negotiate the terms of our salvation with God yet many of us have or still do it.

The prayer of my heart was to be SOLD OUT, but in that prayer I was unwilling to truly let go of my own life.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Matthew 10:39

Since as far back as I can remember, I have always dreamed of being a Father and a Husband. It was the one desire that I felt led God to create Mankind. Plain and simple… God wanted a family.

At 21 years old I sold out for the Lord after years of torment in the world, like the prodigal.. I returned home. Upon my arrival I expected everything that I had wanted to eventually come to pass. As time went on and things didn’t line up, I began to get restless and frustrated with God. “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THIS!?!” I cried out on many lonely nights and even in my desolateness God heard my heart. He knew exactly what I wanted before I did, and saw that I was willing… despite my own folly.

In His mercy, He crushed me.

God brought me to a point where my life, my hope, and my dream was over. I realized then that I was clinging to my own life, and finding it slipping away. I took things into my own hands, and shattered everything I held on to. Feelings of anger, hurt, depression boiled as I cried out to God.. WHY?!

It was the moment I turned my heart and eyes to Him, amidst the pain that I was able to let go. I raised my hands with a handful of shattered pieces, and placed them at the foot of His throne. My life was no longer my own, and my dreams had to die with it.